Woman who lost husband in line of duty helps other grieving families

CHARLOTTE — A woman who lost her husband in the line of duty is stepping up to help the families of four officers killed last spring.

April 29 was the deadliest day in Charlotte law enforcement history. Kimberly Murray said she remembers what she was doing that day.

“You don’t want to see any more families join us,” she said. “That day, when that hit, I was just trying to stay busy on April 29th. It was my husband’s birthday.”

If anyone knows what those families are going through, it’s Kimberly Murray.

“I have to admit, the first two or three months, I was in a very dark place,” she said. “I didn’t want to get out of the bed.”

On May 15, 2009, Sgt. Earl Murray of the Nags Head Police Department was answering an emergency call on Highway 158. A burglar had broken into a woman’s home. The weather wasn’t good and it was raining heavily.

“Right before he got to the house, his car hit water on the road and he did like a 180,” Murray said. “Hydroplaned off and hit a cement utility pole and was killed instantly.”

Earl and Kimberly were married for 21 years and had two daughters. He was a year and a half away from retirement.

“He just always wanted to help people, and the one thing that was not damaged was his heart,” she said.

‘Overwhelmed’

Kimberly Murray has navigated her pain by helping others. She’s president of the group “North Carolina Concerns of Police Survivors,” or NC C.O.P.S. The requirement for membership is a line of duty death in the family.

“Not a group that anyone wants to be a part of,” Murray said.

It’s one of the groups helping survivors from April 29.

“I hate that families have to go through it. Every time we lose an officer, my heart just breaks,” Murray said. “My heart breaks knowing this family is about to start the same journey that I’ve been on and it’s a lot.”

She said one thing that so often catches survivors off guard is a loss of privacy. They’re caught in a spotlight because of the public nature of a line of duty death and the fact that so many people want to help.

“I was a little country girl. It was a lot for me, and these families start feeling overwhelmed with all that,” she said.

“I see it from both sides, especially working with this organization. People want to know people care and that’s a good thing, but yeah there is no comparison,” Murray added. “You’re kind of put up on that pedestal. The family is sashayed in and out from this event to that event and you start feeling a little bit like a robot.”

Path to healing

Murray said the first six months are a painful blur and sometimes, the simplest things can trigger an outburst of grief.

“His partner did come over one day and I was sitting on the kitchen floor and I was crying. And the guys would come in and out, they wouldn’t even knock. And he came in and sat down beside me and he said, ‘What’s wrong?’ and I said, ‘I had to take the trash out,’” Murray said. “Earl always took the trash out. He said, ‘I will take your trash out’ and I said, ‘No I did it.’ But I was proud of myself because I did do it. But it’s silly stuff like that — I can look back on it and laugh, but it was big to me then.”

Murray said survivors need to seek and accept help. The Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department has a wellness department, which is something not everyone has.

“That stigma is not there like it used to be years ago, so there is so much help for these officers,” Murray said. “You hope and pray they take advantage of that.”

“That’s not something you go through a debrief and you forget about it, they saw a lot of things that day so it’s a lot for them.”

“After that first year I felt like, ‘That’s OK, I’ve got that first year behind me, I need to find me again, I need to find my identity.’”

Murray said it’s important to acknowledge that anyone who walks this path will hurt, but the timetable for healing is different for everyone. Fifteen years later, she is still healing.

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